Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize