Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
