I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
