I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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