Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
