I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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