I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
