So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
