Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
