This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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