i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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