guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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