It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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