textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
