lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
