If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
