One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
