You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
