Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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