Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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