I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
