We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
