The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
