My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
