You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
