i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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