He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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