Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
