my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
