dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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