he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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