I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
