i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
