Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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