Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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