3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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