making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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