I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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