i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She's the barista slut.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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