I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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