I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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