Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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