if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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