It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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