I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
