the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
