yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
