he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
