Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
