Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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