I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize