god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
