How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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