Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
