can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
