I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I want a musical about memes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
