Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
