I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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