literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
