How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She needs sedatives and a leash
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
