I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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