pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
