someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Bring me that man meat
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
