Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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